INT- Messy California Apartment- Early Evening
CHRIS goes to shower after a long, dirty day with the dogs. SANDRA takes the opportunity to quickly wrap a birthday present and leave it on the couch.
Sandra walks down the hall, smiling and humming to herself. She opens the bathroom door, greeted by steam.
Sandra: So I’ve made a decision.
Chris: Oh?
Sandra: Yes. Since I can’t take all of your presents with us to Hawaii, I am going to give you-
Chris: HAWAII???
Sandra stares into the mirror, pauses for a moment, and then runs from the bathroom. She slams the door behind her. Once down the hall:
Sandra: FUCKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Slowly, she walks back toward the bathroom and bangs her head on the door. More obscenities are shouted.
Chris: (From behind the door, muffled) Sweetie?
Sandra: (opens the door, whimpering) OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD. Thirty fracking people know about this trip, and I am the dumbass who told you where we’re going. OH MY GOD.
Sandra crumples to the floor in the middle of the hallway. OBI studies her.
That’s right, folks, I’m the dumbass. We were in the homestretch, with a “Countdown To The Ozarks” on the refrigerator whiteboard. Then I got careless and forgot, because I was excited about presents.
So, thank you all for being good at keeping the secret. I am the one who sucks.
One week from today, Chris and I will be on vacation. Everyone loves looking forward to vacation, right? Well, I love it even more this time because Chris doesn’t know where we are going. The trip is to celebrate his birthday, and between frequent flier miles and hotel reward points, I have hooked us up with a surprise.
The only location I have told him so far is the Ozarks. No, I guess for one day I said Niagra Falls. But usually I tell people “Oh, sorry, we’ll have to miss your party/meeting/poker game because we will be in the Ozarks.”
All that makes this surprise even better is the number of our friends who DO know where we are going. I am counting on all of you to keep this secret with me until I actually have Chris at the airport next Thursday.
I hope he likes the Ozarks.
My well-read father sent me a link today to The Atlantic, and an article that ties together the decline of language with the decline of civilization.
Article
If you read the article, it will introduce you to Ian Robinson, a man whose writings I intend to seek out now. The article will also walk you through an argument that fuses together multi-culturalism issues, moral degradation in film, and academic elitists picking on each other. (And from there comes my favorite line: “Those of us who regard language and culture as great potential forces for good should be looking for common ground from which to fight back, instead of gratuitously annoying each other. “)
While I disagree that parables are hard to understand (“Jesus spoke in parables so that the majority would not be saved”. Um…the definition of parable is a “simple story illustrating a religious or moral lesson”) I do love anyone who can tie together the decline of language with the decline of thought and civilization. I just wish the article had addressed more recent examples of language being slaughtered in the media.
Thank, you, Dad, for sharing. And if you ever start a blog, I’ve given it a title already: “Life With a Semi-Colon.”
I heard this today (and it warranted more than just a post on The Dishonor Roll):
“Our plate is just really tapped right now.”
This was on a conference call, and the woman in question was lamenting how busy her team is. I think she was looking for “Our plate is really full right now” or “We are really tapped for resources.” Intead, she fell prey to the MIxaphor.
My dear Mr. Bernstein describes a mixaphor in this way:
“If however, the writer does not stick to the image he has set up, he is in danger of creating a mixed metaphor, known here for short as a mixaphor. In that event he has vitiated* the usefulness of the figure by confusing the reader through a jumble of pictures, and has spoiled the adornment by shattering it.”
Sigh. Don’t you love someone who uses the word vitiated? (And uses it correctly?) Anyway, I both love and hate mixaphors. I love the absurdity of them, and the confused imagery they provoke. But I of course don’t like the sloppiness they stem from and lack of clarity they could lead to. Plus, they break the grammar rules, and we all know I don’t like that.
What about you? What mixaphors have you heard?
* Definition Here
The American Family Association is asking Marriot Hotels to stop offering adult movies in their hotel rooms. The Story
I have stayed at Marriot hotels and have never once been forced to watch porn. Never even accidentally stumbled upon it. This is not “in keeping with the corporation’s position of ‘promoting the well-being of children and families,’” as the article quotes AFA. No family’s well-being is threatened by having the OPTION for porn on a hotel TV.
Doesn’t the AFA have bigger concerns? Can’t we allow people to have choices anymore? I can’t stand it….
